found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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