i permit you to call me
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
