I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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