you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
