My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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