Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
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