it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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