oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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