I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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