According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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