why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
