On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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