He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
