6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
