I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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