Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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