my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
