Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
