I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
