So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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