why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
