Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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