is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
