I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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