I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
