i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
