I think my fart just growled at me.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
