you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
