Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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