in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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