A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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