At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
