Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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