I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
