John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
