first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
