i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
