Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
