I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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