I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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