you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Randomize
