The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
