Im at strip club and am horny
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
