I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
