The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
why do cheetos always look like penises
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
