my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
