I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
