I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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