Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
