How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
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